Open Adoption is About...

"Open adoption is about information sharing." Share your reaction to that statement. How well does it match up with your experience of open adoption? If you disagree, how would you finish the phrase, "Open adoption is about..."?

This statement was posed to bloggers who are part of the Open Adoption Bloggers, of which I am one. Intrigued, I've decided to share my take.

Of course, open adoption is about information sharing, just like any relationship. But, to define open adoption as being about the sharing of facts and milestones feels far too impersonal for such an intensely personal and life-changing experience. From my perspective, open adoption is a complex process, based on evolving relationships...relationships that many "outsiders" seem to find hard to understand. But (at the risk of sounding corny), I think that, in essence,open adoption is -- and should be -- about love.

Our open adoption is about the intense and unconditional love that Tim and I feel for our darling Elliot. A love that will not waver. A love born not of birth, but of parenthood. Of caring for our son, of being there for our son, of comforting our son, of delighting in our son and of bonding with our son in a way that's only possible in the parent-child relationship. Now that I'm a parent, I understand this in a way I never did before.

Open adoption is also about the love that Elliot's birth parents have for him. I cannot speak for them, but I do feel it's a different sort of love than what we feel for Elliot. A love that comes from creating something beautiful together, and deciding together that parenting wasn't for them. A love that comes from making one of the hardest and most selfless decisions that two people can make. I know that their love is intermixed with conflicting emotions, but I hope they realize that Elliot is happy...Elliot is extremely loved...and Elliot is exactly where he should be.

Open adoption is also about the love between the adoptive and birth parents. In our situation, it's not the kind of assumed love you have for your family, or the kind of  love based on intimate knowledge that you have for dear friends..at least not now. In fact, it doesn't always feel like love. Sometimes, it feels like an evolving friendship; other times, like an alternate or expanded version of "family." Other times, it feels more like an obligation. Sometimes, it feels very easy....like it was "meant to be." Other times (as in any relationship), it feels complicated.

I would probably not, at this stage in our relationship, say "I love you" to Elliot's birth parents, nor would I expect they'd make this sort of pronouncement to us. Maybe some day... maybe not. But, love is at the core of our connection -- a shared love for Elliot that should help us transcend our differences and difficulties and learn to all love each other.

For more insights into this question from other Open Adoption Bloggers, please visit the Open Adoption Roundtable.