Open Adoption Rountable: What I Learned

What did you learn in 2011 about open adoption?

This was the question posed to bloggers interested in participating in the most recent Open Adoption Roundtable. What did I learn? Honestly, I had a bit of a hard time answering this question. Since I've been committed to open adoption for the past few years, I didn't really have a profound "ah ha, so that's what it's all about" kind of revelation. That being said, my answer is below...

This year, I learned that relationships in an open adoption, as with any type of relationship, are fluid and evolving.

When my husband Tim and I first met Elliot's birth parents (three months before his birth), we talked about getting together once per month. For awhile, we did just that...like clockwork. In fact, I often felt it was incumbent upon me to reach out to them and schedule a visit if it felt like we might miss a month. But, eventually, life got in the way and our visits have naturally spaced out a little bit.

And that's okay.

It doesn't mean that the visits are less meaningful. It doesn't mean that our feelings about the importance of maintaining contact or about Elliot's birth parents have changed. It might just mean that our get-togethers are moving toward a more natural rhythm, rather than a strict once-per-month schedule. After all, I don't see my family and friends at precise intervals; sometimes, I see certain people more frequently, sometimes less so.

Also, in the natural ebb and flow of a relationship, sometimes we draw closer, sometimes we pull back. This seems to be happening with Elliot's birth parents. We've observed that one of them seems more interested in seeing him on a more regular basis than the other. And that's okay, too. Life is variable, and so are relationships.

As long as we're all focused on what's best for Elliot, it's all good.

A Holiday Hike before the Hype

A light dusting of snow covered the still-green grass. The sun shone brightly in the blue December sky. It was a beautiful Christmas Eve morning, the type of day that beckons you outside to "embrace the cold."

That's what Tim, Elliot and I did this morning as we bundled up in our winter gear and headed to the woods behind a local park. Elliot looked adorable in his red and black coat, matching hat and gloves and boots featuring some of his favorite construction vehicles. He was excited about our family hike, even after I told him I didn't think we'd be walking long enough to need Cliff Bars.

Elliot and I set off along the tree-lined trail, hand-in-hand, as Tim walked slightly ahead, pausing occasionally to capture the moment with his iPhone. Sometimes, Elliot walked alone, skirting fallen branches and talking about what we were seeing and hearing in his sing-song voice: "another tree fall down," "dog barkin'." Together, we crossed several wooden bridges over the river, which Elliot is always excited to see even if only a few inches of water remain.

After awhile, Elliot started to slow down. At the 22-minute mark, he asked to be carried, and Tim happily obliged. While 22 minutes doesn't sound like much and certainly doesn't compare to some of the hikes Tim and I have done in the past, I thought it an impressive distance for a two-year-old. More importantly, I loved the experience of being outside and active with my two boys on such a beautiful day.

Tomorrow will be loud and bright, filled with family, fun, food and gifts. This morning was peaceful yet invigorating...a perfect lead-in to the festivities.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Listening: the First Step in Doing?

"No hables con comida en la boca," says Elliot, repeatedly, as he chews an overly large mouthful of food. At least, I think that's what he said.  He could have made a grammatical mistake or two with his Spanish; it's hard to tell when he's talking with food in his mouth.

"Don't talk with food in your mouth." That's what I tell Elliot every time he does so. But, rather than taking my words to heart, he repeats them back to me...precisely as he's chewing with his mouth full of food!

"No running with the toothbrush," he says, as he makes a mad dash out of the bathroom, his Winnie the Pooh toothbrush clenched tightly in his little hand. "Don't turn the water on. Might be hot," he says, as he puts his hands under the running water that was off seconds before. And my favorite, "Get out of there. No, no, no," which he says every time I catch him somewhere he knows he's not supposed to be.

Sigh. Teaching a toddler the "dos and don'ts" can be a little frustrating. Sometimes, it's obvious that he knows he's doing something he shouldn't be. But other times, I think he just remembers what I say when he engages in that particular behavior.  

On the positive side, at least he's listening. With a toddler, it's all about repetition, which I hope will lead to internalization, and then action. Until then, I'll keep repeating myself...and hearing my words parroted back at me.

Stand-Off at 8 PM (aka "Put Your Toys Away!")

"Put your toys away," I said for what seemed like the 42nd time. Slowly, annunciating each syllable. "Put your toys away." Instead, Elliot just stared back at me, the hint of a smirk on his face.

Then he started to cry. Oh god, not again.

After several days of cold-induced odd behavior, Elliot had been fine all day. Until Tim came home, and he suddenly started crying every time I left the room. For the bathroom. For the hallway. It was enough to drive me crazy. And now this: he was crying. Not his normal cry, but his new, frustrated, frustrating, miserable-sounding "mew-mew-mew" cry.

All over two toys that remained on the floor.

"For real, Mister," Tim chimed in. "Put your toys away."

What, oh-what was Elliot thinking? I understand that two-year-olds like to test to see what they can get away with. But, did he really think this was a fight worth fighting? Did he really think that this was a battle he'd win? And why was he so upset?

"I love you very much, but I don't like the way you're acting," I told him, repeating a sage line my mom always used with me when I was a child. No response. After some time, we did a modified "time out." Elliot had to sit on the sofa, alone, until he decided to put his toys away.

He started to get down. I thought about giving in. Elliot's face grew blotching from so much crying. Tim suggested I leave the room. Elliot cried. Tim cajoled him. Then finally, after what was at least 20 minutes and seemed like two hours, Elliot picked up his Little People merry-go-round and put it in the designated plastic box.

"Put..toys...away," he said. We both hugged our baby.

The stand-off was over...hopefully, not to be repeated. But with a toddler, you just never know.

What Is Christmas to a Two-Year Old?

"Is Elliot excited about Christmas?"  "Have you been talking to Elliot about Santa Claus?"

"Not really" is the answer to these and other holiday-related questions I've gotten recently from friends.

It's not that I'm a Scrooge; I like Christmas as much as the next person. We picked out and put up our tree; we've been listening to Christmas music; we have a nativity; the outside of our house is lit up (although quite modestly compared to the rest of the neighborhood). This morning, Elliot and I even made some eggless Christmas cookies. But, I don't think he really "gets" it.

And that's okay. I feel no need to push Santa Claus on Elliot, although I've asked him several times if he wants to visit him when we've seen him at the mall. "Noooo," he adamantly replies. I made him one of those personalized "from Santa" videos, but we've only watched it once or twice because he found it "a little bit scary." Right now, he doesn't know that he'll be getting presents...much less to ask for something specific. And that's okay..especially because I know that his state of holiday oblivion won't last long.

Of course, I don't think that Santa Claus is the most important part of Christmas, so I recently took Elliot to see a life-size nativity and have read him a Baby Jesus-themed Christmas book. But, beyond a mild interest in the baby, he didn't really understand that part of Christmas, either.

And that's okay. 

Elliot is a smart boy, but he's only two. When he's ready, he'll understand. When he's older, he can decide what he believes. Until then, I'll continue to lay the foundation by participating in holiday traditions that he'll enjoy (very messy baking), while waiting on those that will only scare him (visiting Santa). Even if it does mean we now have quite a few misshapen Christmas cookies to enjoy:-)

Really Toys R' Us -- Are We in the 1950s?

"Oh, that's in the girls' aisle," the Toys R' Us clerk answered in response to my question about where to find the play food and pretend pots and pans.

Really? In 2011? Does the toy store really think that only girls play with play kitchens? Or, worse yet, that only girls grow up to cook in real life?

Elliot loves to "do some cooking" in his toy kitchen. Although some of his concoctions don't seem particularly appealing (frozen vegetables and ice cream seasoned with pepper in a frying pan), he's got quite a few years to perfect his recipes. And I plan to help him do that as he gets older. Even though I do most of the cooking in our family since I'm  home, I definitely want Elliot to grow up viewing cooking as an equal opportunity job.

Back at Toys R' Us, I had to circle back to the help desk to find the next item on my list: a Little People House. Elliot already has a few Little People toys: a construction site with ramps for cars, a park featuring a merry-go-round and Ferris wheel. When I saw the house online, I knew it would be the perfect addition to his collection. A toilet that flushes! A doorbell that rings! Tiny furniture for the tiny family that comes with the house! What two-year-old wouldn't get a kick out of playing with that?

So, why did I stop for a second when I realized that this too was in the girls' section? Why did I make sure that I picked the purple one, and not the pink one? Why did I wonder if Tim would find this gift too feminine? He didn't, of course, and I realized that I was being silly.

But, not as silly as Toys R' Us, which is perpetuating outdated stereotypes about toys for little boys vs. toys for little girls. That being said, I have noticed a difference: Elliot gravitates to construction equipment like you wouldn't believe -- definitely a "boy" thing. He pays very little attention to his baby doll -- typically considered a "girl" toy. But,  especially with toys based on day-to-day living, I'm certainly not going to let Elliot's perceptions be skewed by somebody else's out-of-date view of the world.

See You on Skype!

"Give each other a hug, boys," my friend and I instructed our sons at the end of this morning's museum adventure. At first Elliot refused, then he acquiesced and put his arms around Lukas, who was already in the hugging position. Standing about three feet from the ground, bundled up in their winter coats, the embracing boys looked absolutely adorable. Whenever they hug or kiss, it's always sweet. But today it was especially touching because we won't be seeing our friends again...at least not in person, not anytime soon.

Just when the boys have really started to interact, Elliot's little friend and his family are moving to Italy. Since the time the boys were young (in comparison to their ripe old ages of 2-1/4 and 2-1/2 years old), we've gotten together about once a month. We've met up at the library, picked apples together, gone to the zoo, petted a variety of farm animals and visited just about every museum in metro Detroit together. And now, Elliot's little cultural companion is moving to the other side of the world.

It makes me a little sad, although Elliot doesn't "get" it. When I told Elliot that we wouldn't be seeing Lukas any more, he cheerfully repeated my words. But, as he's been doing lately, I'm sure he'll mention his little friend's name at random times, likely with the expectation that we'll see him soon.

Hopefully we will, if we can coordinate Skype sessions. I'd like to stay in touch, and I think Elliot will find interacting with Lukas on Skype at least as intriguing as watching a Thomas the Tank Engine video on YouTube. And of course, our future plans involve European travel with Elliot, so it's nice to have friends already there.

Labeling his World

Standing atop a 10-pound bag of rice in the pantry, Elliot points to the objects around him. "Prezuhls." "Mommy's cewreal." "Wice." "Ah-mal cwackers." Excitedly, in his adorable toddler voice, he names everything he sees.

I've never taken a linguistics class and don't know much about language development. But, I'm fascinated by Elliot's ever-expanding vocabulary and by the way he uses repetition. It's almost as though he's memorizing the names of objects for a test, the way I used to with my Spanish flashcards. But for Elliot, there is no test - only life.

In Elliot's life, inanimate objects deserve goodbyes. Every time we leave the house, he bids farewell to random objects he spots: his toy microwave, his play table, a dump truck. As I listen to his "Bye, bye pepper; bye, bye Leo; bye, bye bye blocks" I realize that Margaret Wise Brown really understood what appeals to her toddler audience when she wrote Goodnight Moon.

Sometimes, I'm amazed by Elliot's capacity to remember words. Like this morning, when he told me that the pommel horse at open gym is a "horse," which he remembered from last week. Smart kid! I'm also impressed by Elliot's recent ability to say short sentences in Spanish, although language mixing is still the norm.

As Elliot increasingly knows what things are called, he's able to better communicate what he wants. An example: this morning on the way to the produce market as I was listing off what we were going to buy, he added an item: beets!

That's my boy:-)